On Feeling Safe in Counselling
The prospect of talking about what’s hurt us can be incredibly daunting – especially when coupled with the uncertainty that comes with sharing often deeply personal things with a stranger, perhaps for the first time. It can feel like an act of desperation, because nothing else you’ve tried seems to be helping. If this is how you’re feeling, please know that I get it. While reaching out sounds simple, it’s rarely easy.
If you feel like you’ve reached a tipping point and have spent any time reading profiles for counsellors or therapists, you may have noticed phrases that come up regularly. Counsellors often seem to talk of a safe space, going at your own pace, or non-judgemental support. For many of us, these ideas are central to how we work, because they underpin the parts of counselling that have been found to help people the most. And, because I know how scary it can be, perhaps the best place to start is with safety – for without feeling safe, therapy of any kind is unlikely to be helpful.
When counsellors talk about safety, we mean we offer a relationship where you can be yourself, where the difficult and sometimes contradictory parts of you are welcomed. So often, in our day-to-day relationships, we hide parts of ourselves. Sometimes this happens out of habit, without us even noticing. Sometimes it’s because we fear the judgement of others (more on this later). Many of us learn from an early age that only some of what we’re feeling is acceptable to show, and some of it isn’t.
Good counselling offers a place where all parts of you are welcome, and you’re accepted in your complexity. In a relationship where this kind of acceptance is present, you can explore your experience in ever greater depth. Feeling comfortable enough to do this is rarely immediate, especially if you’ve been through so much that trust doesn’t come easily to you, but I’ll be working to show you that I can be trusted, that I do genuinely care. It’s often less about what counsellors say, and more about how we show up in the relationship. You are likely to feel the safety before you think it.
And why is feeling safe so important? Because when you begin to feel accepted, cared for and understood, you become more able to offer these things to yourself. To become less fearful of the difficult parts of you. In so doing, the need to hide what you’re thinking and feeling begins to fall away. Over time, you begin to see yourself as your counsellor sees you. As someone who is doing the best they know how to do. In a way, feeling accepted and safe by your counsellor allows you to be brave. Brave enough to sit with what feels difficult, confusing or painful.
Emotional safety grows from feeling deeply understood. When you feel understood and accepted, healing and change become possible.
In the next post, we’ll explore how pacing works in therapy, and why it’s so important.
