Curiosity - an oft‑neglected game‑changing skill?

Though famous for its proverbial relationship to causing the deaths of our feline friends, curiosity can offer surprising benefits for our mental health that often go overlooked. It can also support the development of self‑compassion, the topic we explored last week.

How so, you may ask? A great question - and a lovely, apropos use of curiosity.

One of the challenges in cultivating self‑compassion is that we’re so used to immediately criticising ourselves (or others) when things aren’t going well. The pattern can be so deeply entrenched that we scarcely notice it’s happening until we’re already caught in it: the negative self‑talk, the recrimination, the upset.

Choosing to be curious about what we’re thinking and feeling can interrupt that cycle of judgement and help us gain perspective on experiences that might otherwise remain hidden. Curiosity allows us to suspend judgement and gather information that deepens our self‑understanding. This can have profound effects on our relationships with both ourselves and others.

By holding a curious stance, we allow for a more accurate understanding of what’s going on for us. This helps us make decisions that align with our values and gives us a fuller sense of our truths, needs, desires, and circumstances.

For example: think back to the last time you were angry. Perhaps it was uncomfortable - the racing heart, sweaty palms, the surge of adrenaline and cortisol that comes with sympathetic nervous system activation. It can happen so quickly that you feel it long before your thoughts catch up.

For some of us, even remembering the incident brings discomfort. But I’d encourage you to stay with it for a moment and ask:

What caused the anger, and what did I do about it?
Was it an immediate response to a situation where your physical or emotional boundaries were being breached - perhaps you or someone else was in danger and anger rose up to protect you?

Or was something more complex happening; anger arising in response to another emotion, like fear, shame, or feeling disrespected?

The goal here isn’t to get rid of anything, or berate ourselves for feeling the way we feel. Our emotions are valuable sources of information that add to the tapestry and texture of our lives. But developing a greater understanding of the what, how and why of things can help immeasurably in developing our self‑knowledge, allowing us to act in ways that ring true to ourselves.

Being curious about these things takes practice and patience, but the payoff can be significant. With greater self‑understanding, we can more easily recognise our patterns and give ourselves options about how to respond. I recognise that, though I’ve made this sound like a simple undertaking, it’s rarely easy.

Because of this, it can often help to talk things through with someone else -  a trusted friend or loved one can be a great place to start. If you’ve tried this and still find that you’re struggling to work out what was going on and you’d like some support, please reach out.

Whether you’re a cat person or a dog person (or something else entirely), I’d be glad to help you develop both your self‑compassion and your curiosity in ways that make sense to you.